A Festivus for the Rest of Us

As 2006 draws to a close, we not only look back at the year that's just passed, but we also celebrate the made-for-television holiday of Festivus. Well, SOME of us do, anyway.

One of the hallmarks of the Festivus holiday is the airing of grievances. So, as we prepare to say goodbye to 2006, this seems like a fitting time to air a few grievances from the recent past.

To quote the inimitable Frank Costanza… “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people!" Therefore, let the airing of grievances begin:


ABC
I’ve got a big problem with you, ABC. In the most boneheaded programming move of the year, ABC pulled Lost from its schedule a mere 6 weeks after its Fall premiere for a 13-week hiatus. In a tip of the hat to the theory of karma, ABC has since fallen from first place in the prime-time Nielsen race to third place. With the debut of American Idol just around the corner, can fourth place for ABC be far behind? Gotta love karma!


Shaw’s Supermarkets
Shaw’s… why, oh why, did you discontinue carrying my beloved Krispy Kreme donuts this year? What have I ever done to you? If you’re trying to drive me into the arms of Stop & Shop, then your plan is succeeding.


TV Land
You’re a favorite of mine, TV Land, but if you keep up this “running programming off the clock” thing, then you’re really going to earn my wrath. In the less-than-noble pursuit of cramming even more commercials into its prime-time and late-night schedules, TV Land simply lets its programming run past the hour and half-hour traditional start and stop times. What you get is a jumbled mess of unruly programming schedules that becomes nearly impossible to follow for even the most dedicated of TV Land viewers (of which I am one). Shape up, TV Land…


Lowe’s Home Improvement Stores
Answer me this, Lowe’s: how is it that you managed to complete screw up the only two things that I had ever hired you to do? On the surface, they seemed pretty simple: install a front door and deliver a range. Yet you managed to drag out my door installation into a FOUR MONTH project… and then to add insult to injury, you cancelled my range delivery appointment… by calling me at SIX O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING to give me the news. Sorry, Lowe’s… but I don’t think that you and I have a long-term future.


CBS
After ordering 13-episodes, CBS decided (without even having aired one episode) that it no longer had room for the Rhode Island-based Waterfront series. Even the five episodes that were already in the can will now never see the light of day. Maybe if the producers had changed the name of the show to CSI – Providence, then the eye net would have shown this unique show a little more respect.


United Healthcare
For those of you who wonder if the American health-care system is in need of reform, I say to you these two words: United Healthcare. This mockery of a health-insurance organization has the nerve to charge outrageous monthly rates for its insurance services, only to fail to deliver badly-needed services to its subscribers. “Sorry, but it’s not cost-effective” seems to be the battle-cry of this pathetic insurance company.

In my case, they’ve not only failed to cover the one treatment in this whole world which stops my chronic pain, but they’ve also recently decided to stop covering one of my vital medications… a medication without which I’d likely develop cancer. They tell me: “take one of these other medications – they all do the same thing.” I say to them “I’ve tried the other medications, and they didn’t work for me.” They then say to me “oh, well that’s too bad – I guess you’re going to have to pay for it yourself then.” In case you’re wondering, the cost out of MY pocket for the treatment for the chronic pain PLUS the cost of that vital medication totals in the THOUSANDS of dollars every year… a cost that's above-and-beyond my monthly premiums to United Healthcare.

Such compassion. Such humanity. Such record profits. Yes, ladies and gentleman: that’s United Healthcare.



GSN
Please, GSN, please – I beg of you: PLEASE stop running those same few episodes of Dog Eat Dog over and over and over again.




George W. Bush
Too easy. This one is just a given.


Federated Department Stores
Thanks for nothing, Federated: you shut down Filene’s, and now I’m left with one “mid-tier” department store from which to choose. Don't get me wrong: I've got nothing against those $500.00 shirts at Nordstrom, but when I'm paying thousands of dollars a year to cover expenses that United Healthcare deems unworthy of them, then a trip to Nordstrom disappears from my realm of possibilty.


Ed Ansin
Mr. Ansin will forever be known in New England as the man who killed channel 56. Yes, it's true: in 2006 Mr. Ansin (the owner of Boston’s WHDH channel 7) bought WLVI 56 from Tribune… and proceeded to shut it down, firing 90% of the station’s 150 employees. I'd conducted some business with WLVI over the years, and they were as fine a bunch of broadcasters as you're ever likely to meet. Oh, sure – the frequency of channel 56 continues to operate – but now it’s simply a second stream of WHDH. Boston (and all of New England) has lost a heritage-laden broadcaster. We'll miss you, 56.



I could go on and on with the grievances, but it's time for me to put up the Festivus pole. Happy Festivus to all... and I'll see you in 2007!

The Price is Wrong

Word is leaking out of 7800 Beverly Boulevard in Los Angeles that CBS Early Show weathercaster Dave Price has been selected to replace the irreplaceable Bob Barker as host of The Price is Right.

Dave Price???

Technically, this is still a rumor, but the source is fairly reliable. But... Dave Price?? I'm not really sure what CBS is thinking in its casting of Dave in this pivotal role. In Dave’s defense, at one time in his career even Bob Barker was an inexperienced non-entity. He didn’t jump right out of the gate one day as the revered figure that he is today. But when you think about an institution as venerable as The Price is Right, you expect the selection of a new emcee to be inspired one… to be a selection which invokes images of grandeur and gravitas. Does Dave Price, the CBS morning weatherman, bring to mind such images? Sorry Dave, but I think not.

If I’d known that CBS will willing to hand over its flagship daytime game to such an inexperienced selection, then I might have auditioned for the job myself! After all, I once hosted a game show pilot. What? You mean that I've never told you that story? Well, it’s true – I was once hired to host a game show pilot.



It was back in the early 90s, and I was tapped by a local producer to helm his game show pilot, a show entitled Destinations. The game was a traditional question-and-answer format type of game show, with the questions built around the concept of world travel. Sounds plausible enough, doesn’t it?

Well, in execution, the pilot taping went quickly from being an event with the potential of making for a nice entry on my resume to an event of full-blown, oh-what-have-I-gotten-myself-into epic absurdity. As soon as I entered the studio and spied the set, I knew immediately that I was in for trouble. Looking as if it had been designed by a fourth-grade remedial class, the cheesy set pieces were barely able to stand on their own. And the contestants? Well, let’s just say that this bunch would never be mistaken for “the cream of the crop.” As for the game’s electronics (buzzers, scoreboards, etc.)… well… they were all completely non-functional. So as we taped the show we had to PRETEND that buzzers were sounding and scores were tallying. Yeah, it was about as sad as you’re imagining it to be. I’ve enjoyed more realistic game play with the home version of Match Game.

Somehow, someway, we made it through the taping. Shortly thereafter, the pilot was edited and packaged. Presentations at major networks followed, with (surprise surprise!) no takers.

In virtually no time at all, my game-show career was over even before it had started. Oh, the pain... the pain. After the failure of the ill-fated Destinations, it became apparent that I would never follow in those esteemed, prize-laden footsteps of Bob Barker and Bill Cullen.

Oh, well... at least I still have that home version of Match Game to comfort me.

Write This Down

This just in: VH1 has changed the premiere date for its new I Love New York series. The new premiere date will be January 8 at 9:00pm. You'd better write it down, because you know as well I do that you don't want to miss it.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

We're just a little more than a month away from the debut of the much-anticipated Flavor of Love spin-off I Love New York, so I thought that this would be a good time for a sneak preview of what we can expect from the show.

The good news? New York's acerbic mother Michelle is on-board to dispensing her unique brand of caustic advice to daughter New York (a/k/a Tiffany). When it comes to mother Michelle and daughter Tiffany, the apple does NOT fall far from the tree!

If this clip is any indication, we'll all be loving New York...

Getting Lost... One Hour Later

A couple of weeks ago in a conversation with a friend, I floated an idea for Lost when it returns to the ABC schedule on February 7: shift the show from 9:00pm to 10:00pm. Such a shift, I speculated, would accompish two major things: first, it would take Lost out of the direct line of fire of that mid-season juggernaut known as American Idol. It's no secret that last season, when Lost shifted from 8:00pm to 9:00pm, Lost took a hit when Idol resurfaced on the Fox schedule. Since then, the Wednesday-at-9 time slot has gotten even tougher, with a surging Criminal Minds on CBS recording stronger-than-ever Nielsens. Once Idol is added back into that 9:00 mix, one can only wonder how many viewers won't be returning to Lost.

In addition to taking Lost out of the Nielsen time-slot equivalent of Operation Iraqi Freedom, shifting the show to 10:00 would have the station managers of the local ABC affiliates dancing in the streets. Even though ABC's fortunes have improved dramatically as of late, the majority of their winning shows are scheduled in the 8:00 and 9:00 time slots. ABC's 10:00 shows this season have failed to ignite a ratings fire (can you say Six Degrees?). Why is this important, you might ask? Well, the 10:00 network shows are the show that lead into the 11:00 local news. Weak 10:00 network shows quite often lead to low ratings for the local 11:00 news. However, with a strong 10:00 show on the network, local affiliates often see ratings jump for their 11:00 news.

So... in my opinion, shifting Lost to 10:00 would be a no-lose proposition for ABC: a less-competitive time slot would lead to higher ratings, and happier local affiliates would realize greater advertising revenues in their late newscasts. Though, as I said to my friend during this recent conversation, since it seemed to make so much sense I would never expect it to happen.

Every so often, networks actually surprise me.

Today, ABC announced that Lost will shift to 10:00pm when it returns on Wednesday, February 7. Leading into Lost will be four half-hour comedies: According to Jim, The George Lopez Show, The Knights of Prosperity, and In Case of Emergency.

I can't say that I'm too high on the ABC comedy strategy (won't you once-and-for-all please go away, According to Jim??), but the Lost strategy might just turn out to be ABC's smartest scheduling move since transplanting Grey's Anatomy to Thursdays. It may even help make up for ABC's worst scheduling move of the season... which, coincidentally enough, also involved Lost.

Regarding that "worst scheduling move"... we still have nine more weeks to go before the return of Lost. Not that I'm counting or anything...