A Festivus for the Rest of Us

As 2006 draws to a close, we not only look back at the year that's just passed, but we also celebrate the made-for-television holiday of Festivus. Well, SOME of us do, anyway.

One of the hallmarks of the Festivus holiday is the airing of grievances. So, as we prepare to say goodbye to 2006, this seems like a fitting time to air a few grievances from the recent past.

To quote the inimitable Frank Costanza… “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people!" Therefore, let the airing of grievances begin:


ABC
I’ve got a big problem with you, ABC. In the most boneheaded programming move of the year, ABC pulled Lost from its schedule a mere 6 weeks after its Fall premiere for a 13-week hiatus. In a tip of the hat to the theory of karma, ABC has since fallen from first place in the prime-time Nielsen race to third place. With the debut of American Idol just around the corner, can fourth place for ABC be far behind? Gotta love karma!


Shaw’s Supermarkets
Shaw’s… why, oh why, did you discontinue carrying my beloved Krispy Kreme donuts this year? What have I ever done to you? If you’re trying to drive me into the arms of Stop & Shop, then your plan is succeeding.


TV Land
You’re a favorite of mine, TV Land, but if you keep up this “running programming off the clock” thing, then you’re really going to earn my wrath. In the less-than-noble pursuit of cramming even more commercials into its prime-time and late-night schedules, TV Land simply lets its programming run past the hour and half-hour traditional start and stop times. What you get is a jumbled mess of unruly programming schedules that becomes nearly impossible to follow for even the most dedicated of TV Land viewers (of which I am one). Shape up, TV Land…


Lowe’s Home Improvement Stores
Answer me this, Lowe’s: how is it that you managed to complete screw up the only two things that I had ever hired you to do? On the surface, they seemed pretty simple: install a front door and deliver a range. Yet you managed to drag out my door installation into a FOUR MONTH project… and then to add insult to injury, you cancelled my range delivery appointment… by calling me at SIX O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING to give me the news. Sorry, Lowe’s… but I don’t think that you and I have a long-term future.


CBS
After ordering 13-episodes, CBS decided (without even having aired one episode) that it no longer had room for the Rhode Island-based Waterfront series. Even the five episodes that were already in the can will now never see the light of day. Maybe if the producers had changed the name of the show to CSI – Providence, then the eye net would have shown this unique show a little more respect.


United Healthcare
For those of you who wonder if the American health-care system is in need of reform, I say to you these two words: United Healthcare. This mockery of a health-insurance organization has the nerve to charge outrageous monthly rates for its insurance services, only to fail to deliver badly-needed services to its subscribers. “Sorry, but it’s not cost-effective” seems to be the battle-cry of this pathetic insurance company.

In my case, they’ve not only failed to cover the one treatment in this whole world which stops my chronic pain, but they’ve also recently decided to stop covering one of my vital medications… a medication without which I’d likely develop cancer. They tell me: “take one of these other medications – they all do the same thing.” I say to them “I’ve tried the other medications, and they didn’t work for me.” They then say to me “oh, well that’s too bad – I guess you’re going to have to pay for it yourself then.” In case you’re wondering, the cost out of MY pocket for the treatment for the chronic pain PLUS the cost of that vital medication totals in the THOUSANDS of dollars every year… a cost that's above-and-beyond my monthly premiums to United Healthcare.

Such compassion. Such humanity. Such record profits. Yes, ladies and gentleman: that’s United Healthcare.



GSN
Please, GSN, please – I beg of you: PLEASE stop running those same few episodes of Dog Eat Dog over and over and over again.




George W. Bush
Too easy. This one is just a given.


Federated Department Stores
Thanks for nothing, Federated: you shut down Filene’s, and now I’m left with one “mid-tier” department store from which to choose. Don't get me wrong: I've got nothing against those $500.00 shirts at Nordstrom, but when I'm paying thousands of dollars a year to cover expenses that United Healthcare deems unworthy of them, then a trip to Nordstrom disappears from my realm of possibilty.


Ed Ansin
Mr. Ansin will forever be known in New England as the man who killed channel 56. Yes, it's true: in 2006 Mr. Ansin (the owner of Boston’s WHDH channel 7) bought WLVI 56 from Tribune… and proceeded to shut it down, firing 90% of the station’s 150 employees. I'd conducted some business with WLVI over the years, and they were as fine a bunch of broadcasters as you're ever likely to meet. Oh, sure – the frequency of channel 56 continues to operate – but now it’s simply a second stream of WHDH. Boston (and all of New England) has lost a heritage-laden broadcaster. We'll miss you, 56.



I could go on and on with the grievances, but it's time for me to put up the Festivus pole. Happy Festivus to all... and I'll see you in 2007!