Robert Zimmerman + Me = One Absurd Evening

I've been overdue for an absurd event. While last year was filled with absurd evenings (including the infamous Billy Gilman concert, among others), 2006 has been relatively tame, at least in terms of the absurd. Thursday night brought that to an end, as I attended a Bob Dylan concert. Yes, that Bob Dylan. Me. At a Bob Dylan concert. The concept alone borders on the absurd.

Anyway... I had been invited to the concert by the local arts/music/alternative newspaper. Along with a pair of tickets, the paper's offer included an invitation to their before-the-concert party in one of the stadium's private suites.

I had been ambivalent about attending, but a friend of mine turned out to be a big Bob Dylan fan, and so I accepted the invitation so that he could join me. At least I could anticipate an absurd evening... couldn't I?

The evening didn't disappoint. The night was perfect for an outdoor concert, and I must admit that finding myself on the field of McCoy Stadium was kind of a thrill (we had bypassed the stadium seats to head for the field and the private suites). Amazingly enough, there were several people at the concert that I knew; almost immediately upon walking out onto the field upon our arrival at the show, I began to hear people calling my name from the stadium seats. Who would've thought? Actually, my first thought was: WHY are they HERE?????

The absurdity started shortly thereafter. As we approached the private-suite area, I immediately heard my name being screamed by a former acquaintance... who happened to be drunk out of her mind and donning some brightly-colored apparel. Ah, she hadn't changed a bit... and that's not a good thing. Shortly thereafter, a large, burly man, a man with whom I've done business in the past, decided that he and I were now the best of friends, and he proceeded to give me an enveloping bear hug. The hug was so consuming that I think that I lost my breath (and possibly consciousness) for a second. From there it was off to some never-ending dialogue with an old acquaintance (a local media personality and newspaper columnist with whom I had once appeared as a guest on a television show)... I say "never-ending" because this man can TALK. NON-STOP talk. This guy's a BIG Bob Dylan fan... and as soon as he caught a hint that my friend was also a Dylan fan, he launched into his "history of Dylan and music in general" mode... a mode of non-stop stories which continued even after Bob Dylan took the stage. My friend had become unexpectedly (and unwantedly) stuck in the position of having to listen to this seemingly-endless stream of stories... while I got to sit back and laugh at the entire situation.

As for Mr. Dylan (born Robert Zimmerman) himself... his voice was just as bad as I had expected it to be. At times it was excruciatingly bad. Surprisingly enough, his band was pretty good... but his voice.... oh, that VOICE. It might be worse than even the voice of William Hung himself. Yes, he's that painfully bad.

But the crowd loved him, and I loved the crowd (take it from me: not all hippies have aged well). It was nice to be back among the absurd.

Now... if I can just get my hands on a pair of tickets to that upcoming Australian Bee Gees show at the Stadium Theatre next month...

The Mayberry Chef

It should be noted that, for the first time since its debut on TV Land, The Andy Griffith Show is not being telecast within the channel’s prime-time lineup. This likely serves as proof that the all-classic-TV-all-the-time channel is moving away from 1950s and 60s programming in favor of 1970s and 80s fare.

This mention of The Andy Griffith Show has helped to spark a memory of my all-time favorite episode of Andy. In true TV Boy fashion, it’s not my favorite because of how good it is, but rather because of how bad it is. Bad. Very bad. Almost outrageously bad. It starts out with one outrageous proposition, and ends with an even more outrageous scenario.

The episode, entitled The Mayberry Chef, is from the series eighth and final season, so perhaps the show’s writers were simply running out of realistic ideas. It’s the only credible explanation for this debacle.

Anyway… in this episode, implausible scenario number one comes early in the episode, with a visit to the Taylor home by the manager of nearby Siler City’s television station (channel 12, for those of you who were wondering). It seems that the station has decided to produce a local cooking show, and they’ve been in the process of looking for a show host. Okay, now here comes the payoff for implausible scenario number one: apparently the TV-station manager had recently read a newspaper article about a cooking contest that Aunt Bee had won (a county-fair kind of thing), and BASED SOLELY ON READING THIS ARTICLE, the station manager decided to drive to Mayberry to offer the cooking-show job to Aunt Bee! Gee, that kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME! Television-station managers ALWAYS offer jobs on LIVE TV to people they’ve never met… to people who have not an ounce of experience in front of a television camera… and to people who haven’t had a job of any kind in forty years.

The station manager told Bee that she’d need to start right away, as the time slot was opening up “this Wednesday.” Yes, because that’s how REAL television schedules work. Time slots just “open up” in the middle of the week, and stations only plan a few days in advance to fill open time-slots. Oh, yeah – that happens every day in the business of television.

At first, Aunt Bee doesn’t want to take the job. You see, with the television station in Siler City, Aunt Bee would be away every evening during the dinner hour, meaning that there wouldn’t be anyone at home to prepare and serve dinner to Andy and Opie. Sounds like a good reason to me to turn down your own daily television show.

However, after much cajoling by Andy and Opie, Aunt Bee agrees to accept the role, contingent upon Andy hiring someone to prepare and serve his and Opie’s dinner each night. Unfortunately, the debut of the show was upon them and Andy hadn’t yet been able to find someone to fill the part-part-part-time job. Not wanting this to stand in Aunt Bee’s path to fame and fortune, Andy lies (well-intentioned, of course!) to Aunt Bee when he informs her that he’s hired “a Mrs. Parkins” to do the cooking and grocery-shopping. In reality, it’s Andy himself who is planning to do the shopping and cooking. Ooooh, you just know that this isn’t going to work out!

Feeling relieved that Andy and Opie have someone to cook for them, Aunt Bee proceeds to jump (figuratively, if not literally) into her car and head off to Siler City. Now, here comes implausible scenario number two: the first day of Aunt Bee’s live cooking show also marks THE FIRST TIME THAT SHE'S SEEING THE STUDIO! Yes, about an hour before she goes on the air for the first time in her life, she’s introduced to the television studio. Oh, sure – that’s certainly the way real-life television production works! No rehearsals, no run-throughs, no preparation whatsoever. Her only stage direction? “Now Miss Taylor, be sure to look into the camera with the red light.” You do have to love the brilliance of understated direction.

Miraculously enough, Aunt Bee manages to successfully make it through her first show (if you don’t count that one incident in which Bee walked off the set in order to find her special wooden mixing spoon; oh, the dangers of live television!).

Back at the Taylor house, though, things aren’t going quite as swimmingly. It seems that Andy is pretty much a bust as a cook (he even managed to burn the corned-beef hash), and Opie has decided to “take extra vitamins” to make up for the lack of nutritious dinnertime food.

With things going well, and after getting several shows under her belt (again, figuratively rather than literally, as I don’t believe that Bee ever actually wore a belt around those frumpy dresses of hers), Aunt Bee began to become suspicious about the existence of that “Mrs. Parkins,” especially after Andy and Opie gave conflicting accounts of Mrs. Parkins’ characteristics. Somehow, someway, Aunt Bee was able to deduce that Mrs. Parkins was a work of fiction. Oh, she may have acted like a stereotypical country bumpkin, but Bee was no slouch. You know, in another day and in another time, Aunt Bee could have been another Murder, She Wrote's Jessica Fletcher.

In what will no doubt go down as one of the most magnanimous gestures of all time (and, as for the purposes of this narrative, this counts as implausible scenario number three), Aunt Bee decides to GIVE UP her glamorous life as a media darling and cooking-show host in order to be able to stay home to “fix” dinner for Andy and Opie. What a grand gesture. What a wonderful woman. There just aren’t many television stars who would give it all up – the glory, the fame, the fortune -- for the culinary good of their family. Hey, isn’t that the same reason why Lucille Ball gave up her sitcom in the mid-1970s?

And there you have it: The Mayberry Chef. It’s must-see viewing for all of you with an appreciation for the worst that television has to offer, and although it may leave a bad taste in your mouth, it can't be any worse than Andy's burned-to-a-crisp corned-beef hash.

Doug White

1944 - 2006

Doug White was exactly the same person off-camera that he was on camera: a true gentleman with a wonderful sense of humor. I still remember my first conversation with Doug. There I was -- brand-new in the broadcast-television business, and yet Doug treated me as if I were his veteran colleague. In fact, he made me feel so comfortable during that initial conversation that within minutes I'd forgotten that we'd just met and instead I was talking to him as if we had been old friends. He was just that kind of guy.

Doug was truly one of the good guys of local television, and he will be sorely missed.

Don't Pay This Ransom

I finally saw the complete pilot for NBC’s Kidnapped over the weekend, and it left me feeling less than captivated. I hate to say that, because when you look at the parts rather than the whole, it's a show that you want to like. The cast? Well, the cast (headed by Jeremy Sisto, Delroy Lindo, Timothy Hutton, and Dana Delaney) was more than competent. And the show looked great -- the cinematography certainly raised this show above the average kidnapping-of-the-week made-for-TV movie. But – as a package, it just all seemed too predictable. Overly predictable, in fact. I was waiting for the show’s “wow” moment – the plot device that I wouldn’t have seen coming; the plot device that would have made me want to come back for more. Unfortunately for NBC, the show never delivered that moment.

Sorry NBC, but after watching this pilot, I felt like the one being held hostage. I just don’t see this kidnapping having a happy ending.

Kidnapped premieres September 20 at 10:00pm on NBC.

This Could Get Ugly

News from ABC… with just a few weeks to go before the start of the 2006-07 Fall season, ABC is shuffling its new prime-time line-up. The major move shifts Ugly Betty from the purgatory chasm of Friday night to the tough-but-high-profile world of Thursday nights. Betty will inherit the 8:00pm time slot, bumping new sitcoms Big Day and Notes from the Underbelly to the land of hiatus. Replacing Betty on the Friday schedule will be a second run of the venerable America’s Funniest Home Videos. Obviously ABC is high on Betty, and is hoping that the show can better help to jump-start its new high-profile Thursday night (anchored by the relocated Grey’s Anatomy) better than the two would-have-never-made-it-because-they’re-really-bad comedies would have.

Betty certainly has her work cut out for her… she may have thought that Fridays were bad, but when she gets a look at her Thursday time-slot competition (Survivor, My Name is Earl, Smallville, and Brad Garrett’s new Til Death), she may wish she were back among the world of low HUT levels.

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Where Are They Now?

One quick note from the “dontcha just love tabloid-style news” department… former Flavor of Love semi-finalist Pumkin has moved onto a new relationship… with a spiky-haired woman named Jamie. Flavor FLAAAAAV!

Here’s a photo of the happy couple…

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Lip Chap?

And speaking of Flavor of Love… the season-two premiere of the so-bad-its-good reality series last Sunday finished first in its time slot among all cable shows. In addition, it was the biggest-ever premiere for a VH1 series, and this episode became VH1’s sixth-highest rated telecast ever. Yeah, Boyeeeee!

You Know What Time It Is

IMPORTANT REMINDER
The premiere of Flavor of Love 2 is this Sunday (August 6) at 10:00pm on VH1. I’ve already seen this first episode, and please believe me when I tell you that it’s a 10 out of 10 on the “so bad it’s good” scale! And if this first episode is any indication of what to expect from the rest of the season, then we’re in for one wild ride.

Flav himself, in a recent interview, promised that season two of Flavor of Love would be more “dramaful” than season one.

Dramaful. Yeah, I guess that about sums it up right there.

'Must See TV' on NBC? It's Been a Long Time...

Do not miss Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Really. Take my word for it. Do not miss it. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is easily the best pilot of the 2006 Fall season, and is in fact one of the best pilots that I’ve ever seen. For those of you unfamiliar with the premise... Studio 60 is a look at the behind-the-scenes world of a fictional late-night sketch-comedy television show (think Saturday Night Live), and it’s helmed by executive producer Aaron Sorkin.

There are some people who will say that Studio 60 is too much of an “insider” show… that its specific references to the behind-the-scenes workings of the television industry won’t resonate with the average viewer. And these same people might say that the reason I’m so high personally on Studio 60 is because I am a television-industry insider. While I must admit that it’s a good argument, the truth is that my insider status has no bearing upon my opinion of the show… because the bottom line is that quality is quality. If the insider argument were to hold true, then one could extrapolate from this argument that I was a White House staffer, because I loved Aaron Sorkin’s last show, The West Wing. But all who know me know that I’ve never once punched a time-clock at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Oh, sure – my insider status helped me to have a greater appreciation for (and immediate comprehension of) lines such as “we need it on half inch!”…but industry jargon aside, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is the valedictorian of the Fall class of 2006. It's been a long time for our friends at the peacock network, but NBC finally has another "must-see" show on its hands. Do yourself a favor and make a point to seek it out, Mondays at 10:00pm on NBC, beginning September 18.

Game Break!

Just a reminder: two new game shows, Chain Reaction and StarFace, premiere tonight at 9:00 on GSN. Chain Reaction is a game-show remake, back for a third go-round (its first incarnation was hosted by the venerable Bill Cullen), while StarFace is a new celebrity/pop-culture trivia show hosted by none other than Danny Bonaduce.

If you'd like to take these two new games for a spin, then please feel free to play below...