The Colonel's Secret Recipe It's Not...

Any Big Brother fan worth his/her weight in peanut-butter-and-jelly knows that the PB&J diet has long been a punitive diet for those houseguests who lose competitions.

This season, however, peanut-butter-and-jelly was deemed by the producers to be “too good” for the losing contestants. Instead, the producers cooked up a new delicacy, something they quaintly refer to as “slop.” This mysterious mélange was designed to be incredibly unappetizing, and thus serve as an ever-greater incentive for the incarcerated houseguests to prevail at competition time.

So, as a public service for those of you who’ve been wondering exactly what is in this so-called slop, I hereby present the official ingredient list:

- oats
- whey protein concentrate
- soy protein isolate
- milk protein isolate
- vitamin A palmitate
- thiamine mononitrate
- riboflavin
- pyridoxine hydrochloride
- cyancobalamin
- vitamin D3
- alpha tocopherol
- niacin
- biotin
- pantothenic acid
- calcium carbonate
- magnesium oxide
- zinc oxide
- copper gluconate
- manganese sulfate
- ferrous sulfate
- folic acid
- potassium iodide
- cellulose gum
- sale
- acesulfame potassium


“Unappetizing” hardly seems to describe it. It almost makes the pizza from Pepperoni's Pizza Restaurant in Warwick seem worth eating. Then again, on second thought maybe Big Brother slop wouldn't be so bad after all...

The Latest 'Development'

I can’t believe that I’m about to say this in a public forum, but here goes: I’m going to start watching the G4 channel.

G4? The all video-game-and-Star-Trek-with-on-screen-comments channel? Yes – that G4. It’s true.

Now, before you judge me too harshly, please allow me to explain. The reason for my new-found devotion to G4 is due to today’s announcement that G4 has acquired the off-network rights to the late, lamented Arrested Development. This announcement comes as G4’s latest move away from a pure video game-centric channel into a broader net targeting 18 to 34 year-old males. G4 believes that Arrested fits perfectly with its target-audience’s sensibilities. God bless you, G4.

Arrested Development will turn up on G4 beginning this October.

Nancy Sinatra is No Granny Clampett

First, some news... then word of a possible new cable channel... and then finally this week's "bad video"...


Live from New York: it’s fewer people on Saturday Night!

Word from inside of 30 Rock is that NBC has foisted severe budget cuts upon its veteran Saturday Night Live. Producer Lorne Michaels is now in the unenviable place of having to decide which of his cast members will become the victims of the budget ax. Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch are already heading out the door to a new NBC prime-time sitcom.


I’d rather be watching Pax

It seems that the United States Olympic Committee is interested in forming its own 24-hour-a-day, 7-day-a-week Olympics cable channel. And to think that I once branded the all-horse-racing channel to be the most unnecessary cable channel of all time. Ladies and gentleman, I think that we have a new winner in THAT sweepstakes.


And finally…

Have you ever had one of those moments in which you wished that you could hear Nancy Sinatra sing the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies? Or maybe your fondest wish has been to hear Frankie Avalon croon the theme from Bewitched. Of course, no one would blame you if you’ve always wanted to hear 70s icon Lola Falana sing the theme from Bonanza.

Well, this is your lucky day. Check out the video below from the mid-60s music series Hullabaloo, and then get ready, because each and every one of your TV-theme-song dreams is about to come true. The results are just as bad as you might expect them to be…

Lost Without 'Lost'

From the "don't shoot the messenger" department...

Lost will be returning for its third season on Wednesday, October 4, and will run for six straight weeks without a break.

That's the good news. And now, the bad news:

After the sixth week, ABC will pull Lost from its schedule for 13 weeks. Yes, 13 weeks. Lost will not return to the ABC schedule until Wednesday, February 14. The "glass-half-full" way to look at this situation is that there won't be any Lost repeats all season long. Hey, that's good news, right? We all hate when Lost is in repeats. And when Lost returns on February 14, it will run for 16 straight weeks (or possibly even 18 weeks, if ABC increases the episode order) without a repeat or a preemption. Imagine not having to worry about repeats or schedule interruptions for four months. For a Lost fan, that's pretty close to heaven.

If you ask me, though, bringing the show back for only six episodes, only to then make it disappear for three months, is a potentially-disasterous mistake. ABC runs the risk of alienating loyal Lost viewers... and these viewers may not bother to return at the end of the three-month hiatus, as by mid-February the country will once again be engulfed in American Idol-mania. Here's a suggestion: how about Lost returning on October 4 for a six-week run... then the show can take late-November and all of December off... to then return to the schedule in early-January for an eight-week run... followed by a month-long hiatus in March... which would then lead into the season's final eight-week run from the early-April through the end of May.

Now, with both the "glass-half-full" persepctive and my personal opinion out of the way, please allow me to now repeat my opening statement: don't shoot the messenger.

This Just In - Sopranos News

Late-breaking news: I've just learned that The Sopranos will NOT be returning to HBO in January 2007 as originally planned.

The word is that the final eight Sopranos episodes will turn up on HBO no earlier than March. The delay is being blamed on James Gandolfini's recent knee surgery. Supposedly, this surgery delayed the start of production on the final eight episodes. Of course, one can't help but wonder if the recent cast contract-negotiations, which went on much longer than anyone had expected them to, contributed to this schedule delay.

Needless to say, I am not happy.

Fake Jan!

If an induction ceremony into the Bad-TV Hall of Fame were ever to be held (and if such a Hall were ever to exist), then The Brady Bunch Variety Hour would have to be among the charter inductees.

For those of you unfamiliar with the aforementioned Variety Hour, allow me to enlighten you: a few years after the cancellation of the original Brady Bunch sitcom, someone at ABC had the bright idea to resurrect the Brady family as stars of a prime-time variety show. Modeled after the successful of the Donny and Marie variety series, The Brady Bunch Variety Hour was introduced onto the ABC primetime schedule in 1977 (the pilot actually aired in late 1976; both the Brady Hour and Donny and Marie were produced by Sid and Marty Krofft of HR Pufnstuf fame).

The premise of the series had the Brady family (along with housekeeper Alice) being “discovered” and then moving to Hollywood to headline their own television variety series. It was basically a “show within a show” concept: part of the hour followed the backstage and home lives of the Brady family; the rest of the show featured the standard variety-show fare of songs, dances, and comedy sketches.

The entire original Brady Bunch cast was on-board for the new show, with the exception of Eve “Jan” Plumb. At the time, Plumb had starred in a couple of mildly-successful made-for-TV movies, and thus considered herself above such a reunion show. In hindsight, that was likely the wisest career move that she ever made.

An actress named Geri Reischel was brought on board to assume the role of middle-sister Jan. I suspect that the producers hired Reischel less for her resemblance to Plumb and more for her ability to carry a tune; after all, considering that the many of the Brady kids were NOT known for their singing abilities, the show needed as many soloists as it could get its hands on. As for Reischel... the very sight of her onscreen caused Brady fans around-the-world to exclaim “Fake Jan!”

Sadly, the entire project turned out to be an ill-conceived mess. Only Florence Henderson had any true singing and dancing ability; Reischel, Barry Williams, and Florence Henderson had some musical ability, but that was it. The rest of the cast did NOT belong in song-and-dance numbers. And the comedy? Lame. Very lame.

Need proof of this televised atrocity? Check out this Brady Hour clip for yourself, and behold both the groovy threads and the singing and dancing "talents" of the Bradys (and by all means feel free to enjoy Fake Jan's solo)…

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What Has Become of This World?

Here’s a frightening concept: now don't ask me how it happened, but somewhere along the way I became an official television-industry expert.

Recently, I was invited to participate in a panel discussion at a cable-industry conference and trade show. The conference is being held this week, and the topic of discussion of my particular panel will be non-traditional media platforms and the role they’re playing in reshaping television/video viewing. There will be five panelists; I will be representing the cable industry. Yes, the entire industry. See? I told you that this was a frightening concept. I’m lucky when I’m able to represent MYSELF, never mind an entire communications and entertainment industry. I guess as long I remember to nod authoritatively, then I should be okay.

Sibling Rivalry

First of all, despite what Showtime would like us to think about its newest series, Brotherhood is not the second-coming of The Sopranos.

That being said, Brotherhood in itself is quite a departure for Showtime: it’s actually a fairly-well produced drama that looks as if it may have cost some serious money to make!

Shot on location in Providence, Brotherhood examines the Cain and Able-like relationship of Rhode Island brothers Tommy and Michael Caffee, one a member of Rhode Island’s House of Representatives (Tommy), the other a mobster (Michael). Tommy and Michael’s worlds collide when Michael moves back to his hometown of Providence… and as their lives become deeply intertwined, the brothers learn that the lines between good and evil aren’t as distinct as they may have once believed. Varying shades of gray seem to rule their lives. Revenge, rivalry, alliances, and family commitment are the pervasive themes running throughout the series.

Although set in Rhode Island, Brotherhood is loosely based on neighboring real-life Boston brothers William Bulger (the former university president and former Massachusetts Senate president) and James “Whitey” Bulger (the reputed South Boston crime boss and one of the FBI’s most-wanted men). The Caffee brothers’ neighborhood “The Hill” seems to be a substitute for the Bulgers' real-life Southie in Boston.

Rhode Island scenery is everywhere in this show: watch for the New York System in Olneyville, the site of the I-195 relocation project, the Rhode Island state house, and even Rhodes on the Pawtuxet, among others. It’s a Rhode Island-phile’s dream show.

Brotherhood premieres this Sunday at 10:00pm on Showtime.

And The Nominees Are...

The prime-time Emmy nominations are out today and there are a couple of major shockers… including the omission of Lost from the Outstanding Drama category. Yes, it’s true: last year’s winner for Best Drama didn’t even rate one major-category nomination this year. Outrageous! If I had to guess, I’d lay the blame on the particular episode that was submitted to the Emmy voters. For a series that requires a religious-like viewing commitment, that one particular episode probably just didn’t cut it.

Also on the “glaring omission” list: Edie Falco’s award-worthy turn as Carmella on The Sopranos most-certainly belonged among the Best Actress nominees (her hospital scenes this past season were textbook examples of superb dramatic acting)… and how Emmy voters could have overlooked Jason Lee’s performance in My Name is Earl is beyond me.

On the other hand, kudos to Emmy voters for remembering the late, lamented Arrested Development in the Best Comedy category, and for noting the well-above-average performances of both Geena Davis (Commander in Chief) and Jaime Pressly (My Name is Earl).

Here’s a look at the major-category nominations…


OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES

Arrested Development (Fox)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HB))
The Office (NBC)
Scrubs (NBC)
Two and a Half Men (CBS)


OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
House (Fox)
The Sopranos (HBO)
24 (Fox)
The West Wing (NBC)


OUTSTANDING REALITY SERIES

The Amazing Race (CBS)
American Idol (Fox)
Dancing with the Stars (ABC)
Project Runway (Bravo)
Survivor (CBS)


OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES

The Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
Late Night with Conan O’Brien (NBC)
The Late Show with David Letterman (CBS)
Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)


OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Steve Carell (The Office)
Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Kevin James (King of Queens)
Tony Shalhoub (Monk)
Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)


OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMDY SERIES

Stockard Channing (Out of Practice)
Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm in the Middle)
Lisa Kudrow (The Comeback)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine)
Debra Messing (Will & Grace)


OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

Peter Krause (Six Feet Under)
Denis Leary (Rescue Me)
Christopher Meloni (Law & Order: SVU)
Martin Sheen (The West Wing)
Kiefer Sutherland (24)


OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Frances Conroy (Six Feet Under)
Geena Davis (Commander in Chief)
Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU)
Allison Janney (The West Wing)
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)



OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Will Arnett (Arrested Development)
Bryan Cranston (Malcolm in the Middle)
Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men)
Sean Hayes (Will & Grace)
Jeremy Piven (Entourage)


OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Megan Mullally (Will & Grace)
Elizabeth Perkins (Weeds)
Jaime Pressly (My Name is Earl)
Alfre Woodard (Desperate Housewives)


OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Alan Alda (The West Wing)
Michael Imperioli (The Sopranos)
Gregory Itzin (24)
Oliver Platt (Huff)
William Shatner (Boston Legal)


OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACRESS IN A DRAMA

Candice Bergen (Boston Legal)
Blythe Danner (Huff)
Sandra Oh (Grey’s Anatomy)
Jean Smart (24)
Chandra Wilson (Grey’s Anatomy)

'Big' News

This Thursday evening, CBS will reveal to the world the 12 finalists for its Big Brother All Stars. However, if you just can’t wait until Thursday night to find out who made the cut, then Spoiler Boy is here to help. Read on for an advance look at which of the past Big Brother contestants will be spending time in the CBS house this summer:

"Chicken" George
Will
Marcellas
Diane
Howie
Jase
Nakomis
Erika
James
Alison
Mike "Boogie"
Janelle
Danielle
Kaysar


For those of you doing the math at home, that’s 14 contestants and not 12 (as CBS had promised). Yes, CBS has managed to sneak in two additional contestants (and I’m sure that they’ll explain how and why during tomorrow night’s show). The good news is that there’s no sign of “Cowboy” among the 14 contestants. The bad news? Chicken George is back. I suppose that in life we have to take the good with the bad, but this borders on cruel and unusual punishment.

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When Idol Love Goes Bad

Also from the world of reality television… rumor has it that the made-in-American-Idol-heaven romance between Constantine Maroulis and Kellie Pickler is no more. Oh, the pain… the pain.