Adios Laughlin

This just in.

After a single outing in its Sunday-at-8 regular time slot (the show had been seen in a special sneak-preview last Thursday night, leading out of CSI), CBS’s new fall musical/drama Viva Laughlin has been cancelled. The Sunday-night ratings for the show that made even ABC's Cavemen look appealing were abysmal… some of the lowest that I’ve ever seen for a Sunday-at-8 series on CBS (yes, even lower than the late, lamented Goodnight, Beantown - now when was the last time you read a reference to that show!).

Coming in off of the bench for CBS to take the place of Viva will be the eye's old reality standby, The Amazing Race.

The Anti-Love Connection

VH1 may be good at drawing ratings for its Celebreality programming block, but apparently the network’s track record on matchmaking is not so hot. First, Flavor Flav failed not once but twice to find his true love on the outrageous Flavor of Love. Then, poor misunderstood Tiffany Pollard (a Flavor of Love castoff) failed to meet her Prince Charming on that you show you just couldn't believe that you were watching, I Love New York.

Apparently, the VH1 curse may have struck once again. Rumor has it that Jes Rickleff, the winner of Bret Michaels’ heart on Rock of Love, has already dumped him. The former Poison front man supposedly was told by Jes (via telephone) that she's found herself another man. Isn't that sweet?

Inexplicably, the finale of VH1’s Rock of Love ended up as the second-highest rated show among the 18-49 demographic ever in the history of VH1. This fact begs the question… why? Rock of Love was everything that Flavor of Love and I Love New York were not: dull, lacking in drama, void of humor, and generally uninspired.

VH1 has reported just ordered a second round of Rock of Love (although Bret Michaels' participation has not yet been confirmed). I don’t know about you, but I'm in no rush for more Rock; instead, I’m counting the days until the return of New York and Flav.

See you on Monday, New York!

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“Brother”-ly Love

While we're on the subject of ratings... the better ratings news is that, thanks to some savvy scheduling moves, the season-two premiere of the critically-acclaimed but low-rated Brotherhood nearly doubled its season-one average. In season one, Brotherhood had averaged about 200,000 viewers per episode. The season-two premiere, however, came in at 370,000 viewers… an increase of a significant 85%. Kudos to Showtime for moving Brotherhood from the summer schedule to the fall schedule (Brotherhood is most definitely not a summertime kind of show!), and pairing it up with its sympathetic-serial-killer series Dexter. With this kind of good ratings news, can a third-season renewal for Brotherhood be far behind?

With Apologies to Rockwell...

I'm here to announce that someone's been watching me. Really - it's true. Absurdly true.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen (cue dramatic music): I have a stalker.

For those of you uninitiated in the absurdity that is my life, allow me to bring you up to speed on this particular chapter of absurdity. You see, I show up on television from time to time. At times I can be found hosting specials. Other times you’ll see me appearing in commercials, either in an acting role or in a spokesperson role. And over these past many years every once in a while I've turned up as a guest on a talk/interview show. This mélange of appearances seems to have bestowed upon me a kind of grade-Z awareness level. Some strangers recognize me… and they recognize me from television… but most cannot recall exactly where on television they’ve seen me. Can you tell that I’m just bursting with pride?

Anyway…

In the eyes of one gentleman in particular, I seem to have attained a grade-A celebrity status. This gentlemen is my stalker. So how did I determine that he was a stalker? Well, he first entered my world several years ago, when he approached me in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. I had just entered the store in the middle of a snowstorm. I was wearing a bulky coat, a hood and sunglasses, and even my own mother wouldn’t have recognized me until I removed that hood and sunglasses. But even before the sunglasses came off, a gentleman… a gentleman whose body was formed in a distinct pear shape… approached me and told me what a fan of mine he was. Even with my non-intentional disguise, he recognized me! He was positively ecstatic as he spoke with me, citing my specific television appearances and proclaiming to me that I was the “funniest thing on TV,” and that I “should be on TV more often.” Odd, I thought to myself. I had to ask him: how did he recognize me with the hood and glasses on? He told me that he wouldn’t easily forget the funniest guy on television! Still thinking that the situation was odd, I otherwise figured that this was harmless, and went on my way.

Did I say harmless? What I should have been thinking was: this guy is a creepy stalker.

You see, over the next several years, he seemed to turn up with puzzling regularity in places at which I happened to be. The supermarket? Check. What about Target? Check. You name it – he was there. And every time that I saw him, he insisted on conversing with me. Needless to say, this whole thing in short order began to creep me out.

Thankfully I got good at getting away from him. You see, his pronounced pear-shape and unusual weight distribution did not allow him to walk with any kind of briskness. Actaully, he kind of wobbled (yes, like a "weeble"). So after a while, the minute that I would spot the guy (or the minute HE spotted ME) I would act as if I didn’t hear him calling me and instead I would kick my footsteps into second gear; before long, I could be at the opposite end of a Target aisle in 5 seconds flat. The poor pear-shaped man, however, could barely take a step or two into an aisle before I was into a different one.

This whole incident seemed to have come to an end a couple of years ago. After a supermarket sighting (during which I dodged him quite successfully), he vanished. No more supermarket run-ins. No more meetings at Target. No more pear-shaped man. He was out of my life. Or so I thought.

Fast-forward to this week. As I was leaving a supermarket and headed to my car, who do I spot in the parking lot… getting out of the car parked right next to my car? Yes, it was the pear-shaped man. Noooooooooooooooooooo! He was back from the dead… or the witness protection program… or prison… or from wherever he had disappeared to. Quickly… almost instinctively… I jumped into my car to make my getaway. As I was driving away, I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was trying to get my attention; I could see his hand and arm waving at me, and he appeared to be saying something as he was waving. Needless to say, I didn’t stop the car to find out.

Somehow, someway, absurdity seems to always find me. Even when it comes in pear-shaped form.